Sixers Sign Rapper Jewelz
Posted by Johnny Goodtimes on December 1st, 2009
In an effort to revive a moribund franchise, the Philadelphia 76ers are doing something that only weeks ago would have seemed unthinkable: they are signing gangster rapper Jewelz to be a member of the team. Jewelz, whose greatest success came in the year 2000 with his smash hit single “40 Bars”, has never formally announced his retirement from hip-hop, and all of America has been waiting breathlessly for the tattooed rapper from Hampton Roads, Virginia to reappear on the scene. Nobody thought it would be as an NBA player. Jewelz, a Republican who is strongly pro-gun and is feverishly opposed to homosexuals, had his self titled album banned by THE MAN when it was released.
His signing by the Sixers is seen by many as a publicity stunt, fueling speculation that another album is getting ready to be released, followed by another World Tour. Jewelz, whose electrifying stage shows are made even more impressive when one realizes that he refuses to practice, is known for leaving it all on the stage. Though there is no denying his talent, he does have his critics, who say that he ignores the other dancers on stage and seems to think that the entire show revolves around him. It is also well known that he does not get along with his choreographers, and that he can be a cancer in the Green Room.
Nonetheless, the Sixers are hoping Jewelz can help turn their squad around. Said Sixer GM Ed Stefanski, “We would be thrilled to have someone on our ballclub who represents everything the Gangsta rap community stands for. Whether it is committing multiple felonies while searching for his wife , getting high while speeding and carrying a .45, or starting a brawl in a bowling alley, Jewelz is a motha f***in’ gangsta who keeps s*** real.” Added coach Eddie Jordan, “You goddamm right.” In addition to his music career, Jewelz also used to play for the 76ers, once even winning an MVP Award.
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
this is a sham. jewelz? I was once an iverson fan, even buying his brand of shoes. This makes me not want to watch another nba game or listen to another song again in my life. jewelz? we’re talkin about jewelz? One man just ruined both industries with this joke. Jewelz? Seriously? and are these actual quotes from the sixers brass? this is horrible, jewelz? i am ashamed to have read this garbage. jewelz? we’re talking about jewelz here? not allen iverson, the man who practically invented the cross over, not the man who could have once beat most nba talents one on one, we’re talkin about jewelz. jewelz, man… seriously… jewelz…
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:09 am
jewelz and iverson……..two peas in a pod………………..and starting at guards, two jerks.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:45 am
For a minute there You had me confused as to who “JEWELZ” is. It took me a minute but now I see that “Jewelz” and ” ALLEN IVERSON” are one in the same. SO your saying the Philadelphia 76ers are getting ready to RE-SIGN the Former NBA MVP back to the Team? The writer “Johnny Goodtimes” really wrote an attention grabbing headline today. Kudos to you.