The All-White Basketball League. Can It Work? Yes. (Well, Sort Of)
Posted by Johnny Goodtimes on January 21st, 2010
In case you hadn’t heard, there is a fairly astounding report this week that a former wrestling promoter is starting a basketball league with a catch…all of its players must be American-born Caucasians. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Why didn’t I think of that? Oh yeah, because I’m not a racist.” But wait, before we judge too quickly, let’s hear what the man running the league has to say:
Don “Moose” Lewis, the commissioner of the AABA, said the reasoning behind the league’s roster restrictions is not racism. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.” Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of “street-ball” played by “people of color.”
OK, now the league makes more sense, since the person running it is obviously a time traveller from the 1950s. “People of color”? Apparently the Whites-Only League doesn’t have real strong PR representation. The man running the thing is apparently mentally insane, but I think he’s on to something. While the “Whites-Only” part of his plan is completely idiotic, the fundamental basketball part of it is not. I do think that there would be a place for that. Kind of like the anti-And1 Mixtape Tour, where instead of releasing hip-hop mixtapes to accompany the action, have the players release polka albums. Instead of “Hot Sauce” and the “Helicopter”, have “Steak and Potatoes” and “Ironlegs”. All passes must be made with both hands. Make the players all wear short shorts, a la John Stockton. Enforce strict travelling calls and no dunking. I think America is bored out of its mind with the NBA right now, and an alternative would be welcomed with open arms. The Whites-Only thing is insane, but as a marketing ploy it certainly got people’s attention. Now that you have everyone’s attention, drop the “Whites-only” clause out of the league, which is not only idiotic but illegal, and make it “fundamentals only”, which is neither. I think that there are people who would pay to see the sport we remembered from the 70s and 80s, where passing, teamwork, and fundamentals were more important than a shoe deal and getting on Sportscenter. And let’s be honest, within a matter of weeks, the local Fundamentals Only team could probably beat the Sixers.
January 23rd, 2010 at 2:25 pm
I see some problems with this approach, JGT. As you know, the Supreme Court in the Plessy decision held that “separate but equal” was acceptable. This decision, however, was later reversed in the Brown decision, which held that separate but equal is inherently discriminatory.
What I think is required is an affirmative action type program for the NBA, and possibly college basketball also, to help counteract years of discrimination and bias against white players. Several approaches could be considered. One would be to set a limit on how high above the floor players are allowed to jump. Any player jumping above the limit would be penalized in some way, possibly by having a foul called against him.
I would like to make a modest proposal, however, for what I consider a far better approach. This approach would involve awarding a certain number of points for each white player in the lineup– I think ten points would be a nice round number and a good start. So, for example, a team fielding five white players would receive a bonus of fifty points. Of course, if their opponents had say two white players the advantage would be reduced by twenty points to a total of thirty.
Now in basketball, of course, players are constantly shuffling in and out replacing each other during the game. When this happened the bonus points would have to be adjusted and prorated based on the race of the players and their time on the court. I also think it would be best to have these bonus points entered in increments of one point during the course of the game rather than in a bloc at the end of the game. So, for example, at various times a bonus point would just appear on the scoreboard. Fans would soon get used to this and learn to anticipate it.
All of this would involve some complicated mathmatics, but in this age of computers and advanced software this would pose little problem. I would suggest employing some Asian computer experts to handle the job– Japanese, Chinese or Indian. The Indians I’m referring to are, of course, the kind with dots on their foreheads, not they kind that wear feathers and warpaint and go around warwhooping.
I think a solution along these lines would go a long way to correcting generations of prejudice and discrimination in organized basketball.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Can’t understand why you would bother making this point (which is thought provoking and rather amusing) and then sabotage it with a cheap racist joke. (Red dots on their foreheads? I mean, seriously? Come on Bob.)
January 25th, 2010 at 6:12 pm
I said nothing about the dots being “red.” That’s your addition. And if you’re upset by dots, red or otherwise, why not get upset about feathers, warpaint and warwhooping while you’re at it. I think you missed the point which was to have some fun with racial stereotypes, such as white guys can’t jump, and also affirmative action. I
Some of my best friends are Indians, JGT. Seriously, they are. And I’m talking about the kind whose girlfriends have might have dots on their forheads, not the warwhooping kind.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
BTW, another racial stereotype I was mocking, which you also overlooked, was that Asians, particularly Japanese, Chinese, Indians, and, hell, let’s throw in Pakistanis while we’re at it, make the best computer programmers. Pakistanis also have been very successful as franchise operators of 7Eleven stores, as our esteemed VP Joe Biden has noted. I don’t think Vietnamese necessarily have the same level of computer expertise, but they run damn good dry cleaning establishments. Yes, there’s a place for everybody in this great country if they’re willing to work.