Archive for the 'Soccer' Category

Knicks rehire Thomas
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Uday soccer coach.

ESPN isn’t the only network carrying the World Cup. So is Univision. And trust me, their between game analysis blows Mike Tirico and Alexei Lalas right out of the water. Channel 65 (795 in HD). You’re welcome.

Since nobody ever scores any goals in soccer, we know it’s a boring sport. Or something like that. I guess that’s why we’re surprised that the Portuguese team just put up a 7-spot on North Korea. In today’s low-scoring affair, the Portuguese only managed to score one touchdown (and an extra point) in a narrow victory over the team from Mars.

Two things come from this. The first is that acknowlegment that the World Cup is actually taking place at all is now a crime punishable by death in North Korea. And the second is that by week’s end, Christiano Ronaldo will have banged every woman in Portugal. Or man. Still not sure how he swings.

The two best players in the world just played each other, and boy was it…uncompelling. There were no scores, and at one point Drogba took a 10 foot shot and missed it by 20 feet. That’s what counts as excitement in soccer, though, so I’m sure all the enthusiasts will talk about how thrilling the defense was. For those of you who are keeping score at home, 6 of the 13 matches played so far have been ties. That’s right, if you watch a match in the World Cup, the odds are almost 50-50 that there will be no winner. Ah, the drama of competitive sport…where everybody wins! I’m just sorry that the USSR isn’t around to see this. They would have loved this spirit of socialism. Everybody is equal!

People ask me, well why do you keep watching? The same reason I kept watching curling during the Winter Olympics, because it was on. And I will continue to watch, taking solace in the fact that I can leave the room for 45 minutes and the odds are extremely good that I will probably not miss a single shot on goal. It’s one thing when there are few goals scored, it’s another thing when the Goalies could be replaced by a supermodel and a mule (above) and the score wouldn’t change a bit. No wonder NFL football isn’t popular in other countries…the players don’t spend the whole time faking injuries, crying to the ref, and aiming for the ultimate goal in World Cup soccer:  a 0-0 tie.

At 2:30 today Brazil will play North Korea in each team’s first World Cup match of 2010. The odds on a Brazilian win are 1-9 and 22-1 on a win from history’s most ridiculously-named country, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. This World Cup has been noticeably devoid of exciting matches so far; the insertion of the country that plays the most thrilling style of soccer may be just what this tournament needs to ratchet-up excitement.

The other thing that makes this match great is that it pits a country only an asshole couldn’t like against the most detestable tyranny in the world. North Korea is so far away from satisfying even the most basic requirements of the Hobbesian jump from the state of nature to civilization. Conversely, Brazil has the most beautiful (and in most copious supply) women anywhere. This truly is good against evil in every sense of the phrase.

After two matches, I am about ready for the next 4 year break. This Uruguay-France match had all of the excitement of a root canal. If both goalies had spent the entire match sitting in Barco Loungers, the Final Score would have still been 0-0. At one point, a player on Uruguay had a point blank shot from like 20 feet away and, I am not kidding, missed it by about thirty feet. That would be like Kobe going up for a jump shot and launching it off the scoreboard. Ridiculous. Two matches. Two ties. Two goals. This is about as exciting as watching the Phillies play for the past month. Ugh. In my iSportacus Pick’ em, I thought about picking all ties. If I had followed my instincts, I’d be off to a roaring start. If any of you out there are soccer fans, please tell me what I need to watch for to make tomorrow’s matches seem more fun (besides watching the women on Univision in the pregame shows.) Because so far, I think the highlight of the World Cup has been watching the grass grow.

We have an open invitation to our readers to supply their own columns, and if we like ‘em we’ll post ‘em. Today’s post comes from soccer entusiast Sean Garrison, who thinks that Philly might have a shot at the hosting World Cup matches in 2018 or 2022, and you know what that means: ridiculously hot women from all over the world descending on Philadelphia. Ahem, where were we? Oh yes, Sean writes about the hope for a Philadelphia World Cup. 

With the 2010 FIFA World Cup approaching in less than two months, Americans once again have soccer on their minds. Their attention can be attributed to the popular belief that this year will be Team USA’s best chance to bring home their very first World Cup. While many Americans might only think about soccer during major events like the World Cup, the majority of countries around the world fiendishly follow the sport year-round. U.S. soccer fanatics are glad that their favorite sport is finally gaining some respect domestically, but many people feel that even more popularity can be gained by bringing the World Cup to America.  

In order to make the best possible case for US hosting the world cup, a collection of sports executives, leaders in business, and diplomats, have assembled to form the United States Bid Committee. The committee is populated with such public figures like Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg; Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger; President Clinton’s personal advisor, Douglas Band, as well as various executives from ESPN, MLS, among others. 

The committee hopes to increase their chances of bringing the most widely followed international tournament to American soil. This is a huge opportunity for the United States to bring together many cultures that all have great interest in the sport. If the United States wins the bid; it would surely be a boost to their international image. “In all my years traveling around the world, I have witnessed soccer as the one thread that many cultures and people have in common,” saidDoug Band. “The idea of utilizing the most popular sport in the world to drive awareness towards pressing social and environmental issues is important to me on a personal level. Joining the USA Bid Committee to bring the World Cup back to our country is an honor.” The committee aspires to bring the FIFA World Cup to the U.S. as soon as 2018.  

Lincoln Financial Field is likely the venue FIFA would choose for the games in the Cup. Philly is an excellent choice for a host city for numerous reasons. For one, the city is an international symbol of freedom and independence. Philly is less than a day’s drive from over 40% of the nation’s population. It also is one of the more active cities for soccer in America. The Kixx, the Independence, and the Union teams all call Philly their homes. PPL Park is one of the only soccer-specific stadiums in the country. It’s clear that there is a strong fan-base in Philadelphia- now we need those fans to show their support for Philly, and for the United States. To show your support for Philly as a host city, click here and sing the petition! 

The results of the last World Cup held in the United States can still be seen today. Despite complaints from other countries that the US didn’t have the requisite fan-base to host the event, the 1994 World Cup had an attendance of 3.6 million- a record which still stands to this day. FIFA argued (and in hindsight, were absolutely right) that by giving the US the opportunity to host the World Cup, it would catalyze the popularity of the sport here. In 1996, less than 2 years following the ’94 Cup, Major League Soccer was founded. MLS would likely be a very different enterprise today if it weren’t for that hosting opportunity. 

The U.S. bid committee is determined to obtain their goal of a U.S. World Cup, and are fastidiously working to make that goal a reality. If the United States lands the bid, it would be a boon to our economy, national image, and soccer both domestically and around the globe.

It’s a big night for both of Philadelphia’s soccer fans. The Chester  Philadelphia Union kick off against the Seattle Sounders tonight on ESPN2. Now there are some things that I can’t stand about soccer, primarily the flailing. It’s like 11 Danny Ainge’s whingin and crying and falling all game for both teams, and it makes the sport almost unwatchable. And yet, I’m not going to write off the Union just yet. While I am not crazy about the sport itself, there is something clubbishly nerdy about soccer fans that I find wonderful. When they start talking soccer it’s like they are talking a different language, and they talk about it with an earnest geekiness that is usually reserved for Star Trek Conventions. Even better, they sing, which is way cooler than the tired “(Insert city or player here) sucks” chant you hear at any other Philadelphia sports match. I think it is a crying shame that the Phillies don’t have a fight song after 127 years, but the Union already have 5. 

I’m going to be honest, I would like to trek into their environs, and see what they are like in their natural habitat. I’ll see if I can find a way in and report back to you, though I suspect soccer fans can spot a phony like me a mile away. If you are interested, here a pretty good writeup of tonight’s matchup between Philly and Seattle. 

I know you don’t like soccer because you’re American. You probably also hate the fact that entrees are served before the main course in France. And you believe that hairy men should never wear speedos on the beach. Heck, I’ll be you don’t even feel full after eating tapas.

But this clip is evidence of why soccer is awesome. Not only is the goal scored by Roma’s Stefano Okaka incredible but his celebration makes Ochocinco look like Ben Stein. And of course, the best part is the announcer. Aside from the obligatory “Mama Mia!,” you don’t have any idea what this guy is saying except for the fact that he’s howling like a high school kid who just scored with a Greek tranny. And so now you do like soccer and eating dinner at midnight.

via yahoo dirty tackle

In news that is about as unrelated to the stated mission of this webiste as anything, the entire Eritrean national soccer team disappeared after a regional tournament game against Tanzania. As it turns out, the team’s plane returned to Eritrea with only 1 of its 13 outbound passengers, the coach. The story was reported by NPR, not suprisingly; the gripping narrative of daring young dreamers escaping the oppressive post-colonial government of some third world fascist state is exactly the kind of thing NPR listeners love to hear. It gives them a sense of purpose and something nifty to listen to while taking the last few sips of their lattes and adjusting the temperature on their Volvo’s butt warmer.

Anyway, the soccer team apparently decided that living in one of the world’s most oppressive countries wasn’t to their liking so they took off, presumably to Kenya. The Eritrean government issued a statement that despite the fact the players “betrayed” their country, they would be “welcomed” back. Pardon me for suggesting that when a government that even the Russians favor sanctioning uses your name and “betrayed” in the same sentence, it’s probably a good idea to remain at large.

One of the more darkly comedic things about this story is the fact that Eritrean border guards have standing orders to shoot anyone attempting to flee the country on its Sudanese border. Really, things have to be awful in Eritrea if people are risking their lives to get into Sudan. In any event, the loss of the Eritrean team doesn’t matter much to international soccer as they weren’t going to be in next year’s World Cup anyway. Maybe the best thing to come out of this story would be if the Sixers read it and were inspired.

Ok, we now return to our regularly scheduled programming of haikus.