Things could not be any worse for the Phillies’ bullpen than they already were coming into the season. Their closer, Brad Lidge, was coming off an historically-bad 2009. J.C. Romero has been in some kind of interminable injury limbo. And the best Ruben Amaro could offer in the offseason was the acquisitions of Danys Baez and Jose Contreras. Fast forward to now: Brad Lidge has returned and shown himself to be as questionable as ever. In 1.1 innings pitched this season, Lidge has compiled a 2.25 WHIP and an ERA of 6.75.

No matter. Amaro and the Phillies’ pitching-challenged brain trust have had their backup plan in the works for a while. No, we’re not talking about an aggressive free agent signing during the winter. We’re talking about Ryan Madson, a guy who’s appeared in 9 games this season and has (yes, this is possible) a worse ERA than Lidge: 7.00. Madson’s season highlight is blowing a 3-run, 9th inning lead against Atlanta and in the process spoiling a desperately-need great start from Kyle Kendrick. The silver lining in all this is that Inquirer writer, Matt Gelb, is reporting that Madson will miss “significant” time due to a broken right toe sustained when he kicked a chair out of frustration in the San Francisco visitors’ locker room. As a result Jose Contreras will assume the closing duties.

The blame for the bullpen’s amateurish incompetence rests solely on the shoulders of Ruben Amaro. He has known all along that even with a competent bullpen like the one the Phillies fielded in 2008, his manager is incapable of using them properly. The only reason the Phils weren’t exposed during that stretch was the unworldly perfection of Brad Lidge at the back end. But with questions of age and declining talent going forward, the Phillies have done nothing to improve the part of their team that is as glaring as a strawberry-sized lip herpe.

While Amaro has spent the better part of the last calendar year pulling his pants down to show the world what a potentate he is, his two big deals have done nothing to improve this team. Roy Halladay is a great pitcher, but the role that he occupies on this team is something they already had covered in the person of Cliff Lee. And Ryan Howard would have been here anyway had he not been resigned to a mammoth contract.

So when the Phillies line up tonight against the N.L’s. best team, Amaro can reflect on the fact that the team they’ll face has a combined ERA of 2.52, good for best in the league. While names like Jaime Garcia (the rookie who stoned the Phillies last night) may not shake down the thunder, the Phillies may take notice of Adam Wainwright, who will start tonight with his 2.13 ERA. Wainwright has recorded quality starts in 23 of his last 24 outings and the Cardinals as a team have gone 12 starts where their starters have gone at least six innings and not recorded more than 3 earned runs.

That mastery of the starting rotation means the Cards’ bullpen is less of a factor, something that gives them a decided advantage over their opponents (they’ve won 8 of their last 9). With yet another question mark taking the hill for the Phillies tonight in Cole Hamels, the tipping point of the bullpen’s entry into the game is likely to be earlier than later. And that, Mr. Amaro, is not a good thing.

This is a good week for Philadelphia sports because it’s sure to usher in some familiar stupidity. Trending topics right now are the following:

NFL: Typical to the way the NFL has put a strangle-hold on your sports consumption, this week contains yet more all-world hype that has nothing to do with an actual game. The NFL schedule comes out tonight at 7:30 and the NFL draft is Thursday at 7:30. Texas safety, Earl Thomas, is rumored to be high on the Eagles’ wish list. If they choose a safety, the right choice would be USC behemoth, Taylor Mays. But like Todd McShay and Mel Kiper (who are also not employed by NFL teams for the purpose of drafting players), what do I know? And from the “maybe this guy is a complete jackass after all” file, Donovan McNabb has stated his desire to be reunited with Terrell Owens. Huh?

MLB: John Gonzalez has yet again bitten our style. In today’s Inquirer, Gonzo points out how now that McNabb’s gone, Cole Hamels is becoming the new punching bag in Philly. It’s a pretty good point, but like Burger King’s new Sausage Egg Muffin for $1, it’s not very original. And then there’s Kyle Kendrick, who’s slated to go tonight against the Braves. Kendrick is a bad start or two away from playing on the other side of the Delaware River. With a 17.47 ERA in 5.2 innings this year, Kendrick’s going to have to be good tonight if he wants to avoid being traded to Japan for the hot dog eater.

NBA: Playoff excitement.

NHL: The Flyers look to put a choke-hold on the Devils tonight at the Wachovia Center. A Flyers win tonight will put them in a commanding 3-1 position in the series. Keys to tonight’s game: Scott Hartnell not spending most of it in the penalty box and the Flyers’ ability to keep Ilya Kovalchuk and Zach Parise in check. Kovalchuk only has one goal in the series but he has registered 4 assists. Parise has 1 goal and 2 assists. These guys are the Devils’ big guns and if they account for 2 or more goals in this game, the Flyers will most likely find themselves knotted at 2-2.

For all his flaws, Donovan McNabb has been the quarterback of the best 10-year run in modern Eagles history. The talk that’s been heating up over the past few days of him being traded is exciting to most Eagles fans mainly because they are under the mistaken impression that with a change comes the inevitable: a Super Bowl victory. But nothing could be further from the truth. As far as the quarterback position is concerned, the Eagles are nearer to their first Lombardi trophy in the next 3 seasons with McNabb than they would be with any feasible replacement.

And for the first time in my life, I agree with something Stephen A. Smith has written. In today’s Inquirer, Smith argues that the way in which McNabb has been treated over the years has been disgraceful. Fans, of course, have had a long-standing beef with McNabb for reasons that aren’t exactly clear other than the one shining statistic that doesn’t show up on the back of his football card.

Donovan McNabb is a lot of things, not all of which are perfect. But the symptom Eagles fan suffer from is the knee-jerk hatred of him and an infantile belief that turning over a new leaf will somehow equate to Super Bowl glory. And that way of thinking leaves a lot to be desired.

Because it’s so difficult to convince Eagles fans that NFL success is a little more complicated than a Mel Gibson movie, I’ll throw some easily-recognizable names out there for Eagles fans to consider when conspiring against McNabb:  Joe Montana, Troy Aikman, Drew Bledsoe, Mark Brunell, Boomer Esiason, John Elway, Terry Bradshaw, Ken Anderson, Jim Kelly and Steve McNair. These are the quarterbacks who show-up in 10-year career similarity scores to McNabb on profootballreference.com. Take that for what you will, but at least try and use those names as perspective before you decide its time to throw McNabb under the bus.

Readers of this site know that I am a master of Japanese poetry. Specifically, the haiku format. You might say that I am the Masaoka Shiki of sports bloggers. People frequently ask me what the secret to hokku, or haiku dominance is. In a word, or six words: it’s not a three-line sentence.

Well it seems that Inquirer writer, John Gonzalez, has noticed too. In his article today about some football game that was apparently played last night, he references my haiku about Andy Reid from a while back. Come to think of it, “references” is probably the wrong word. He steals my divine wind. In the sixth paragraph of his article, he calls Andy Reid the “poor man’s Marv Levy,” the same words penned by me in my seminal three-line tour de force of December 2009.

They say imitation in the highest form of flattery. I agree. Or should I say 停止私のものを盗んで? Sayonara, Gonzo-san.

In today’s Inquirer, Bob Ford makes one of the silliest but well-intentioned stretches in recent memory. In feeling an irrepressible urge to make way more out of the Roy Halladay signing than is actually there, Ford writes that Roy Halladay’s stated desire to be a Phillie is evidence of the fact that “the best players in baseball want to be here.”

The article seems to be about how Halladay never entertained the idea of playing anywhere else and that he chose not to go with the money, but with the team that all players want to play for. Never mind that Ford never mentions any other player who “wants” to play in Philly; it’s enough that Amaro inked Halladay for us to now know that every ballplayer has Philly in his heart.

Isn’t the manic phase of Philly’s bizarre obsession with its sports teams fun?

In case you had any illusions about the integrity and quality of The Philadelphia Inquirer, let me put them to rest. In their most recent gaffe, they miss the bus altogether. On the same day as the Flyers’ season opens (in a season, mind you, full of championship expectations), the lead story on the Inquirer’s online sports page is “Smith Shines In Scrimmage.” In case you didn’t recognize that name, you’re not alone. It’s Jason Smith, the Sixers’ power forward who missed all of last season.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. To be sure, the second-to-last day of Sixers camp is incredibly awesome, especially when you consider the prospect for excitement surrounding a team that will be lucky to make the playoffs in a league so devoid of competitive suspense that the only question in its post season is which one of three star players will get his own puppet.

Today is the first game of the Flyers’ season. With the addition of Chris Pronger and Ray Emery, folks around here are pining for a Stanley Cup. Instead of acknowledging the prospect of an exciting season for a team infinitely more competitive and, frankly, playing in a better professional league, the Inquirer and its surrogate, philly.com, run some story that’s about as interesting as listening to cricket on the radio. It’s no wonder The Inquirer is bankrupt.

There hasn’t been a lot of news surrounding Michael Vick recently so we thought we’d point out today’s story that Vick was seen drinking alcohol recently. Fannation.com is reporting that the Inquirer’s story citing Vick’s consumption of an alcoholic beverage at the Philadelphia airport does not describe an act that is in violation of his probation. That’s a huge relief to all dog owners in the Delaware Valley; it’s been widely reported that a man has been driving around Philadelphia offering jello shots to passing dogs. If in fact that is Vick, he’s doing nothing wrong.

The great part about this story originally reported by the New York Post is that it says Vick was seen “sipping on a Grey Goose and pineapple juice.” Friends at the Riverbend Bar and Grille have told me that the drink was misidentified as vodka and pineapple and was actually Goose and grapefruit which, as an offering to the god of irony, is known as a greyhound.

Despite all the disingenuous and idiotic talk last week about a 6-man rotation, what’s likely to happen to the Phillies rotation is that it will be without Jamie Moyer. Pedro Martinez appears to be ready to pitch and may even be on the mound tomorrow night in Chicago (though the Phillies still have a “TBD” listed for tomorrow’s night’s starter). I’m not sure the Phillies thought it would come to this but a spot has to be opened up for Martinez to audition for the post-season rotation and Moyer’s spot is the only one that makes sense for him to fill.

Jim Salisbury at the Inquirer seems to think this is a good idea. I suppose it’s a good idea if determining a 5th-starter for the next month and a half is really that important. The long-term impact will only be felt if Pedro manages to distinguish himself to the extent he deserves to take one of the top-4 guys’ spots in the playoff rotation. You can sit Moyer down to audition Martinez but in reality, Moyer won’t be starting in October anyway, so he’s being shut down simply to see what Pedro can do.

So I guess the point is that Moyer’s sitting in the hopes Pedro will not only supplant Jamie but surpass Happ or Blanton as well. For my part, I’d sit Cole Hamels for 10 days. Despite his bold talk about pitching well when it matters, he has done little to inspire confidence in his ability to beat Matt Cain, Adam Wainwright or Clayton Kershaw in a playoff start. Now that the serious focus is on being in playoff shape, Moyer’s benching would be little more than a human interest story. The real fine tuning needs to be at the #2 spot.

In our never ending search for the stupidest ideas in Philadelphia sports, we stumbled across this lump of shit. In fairness to Philadelphians, the major local sources of sports information are the Inquirer, the Daily News and WIP and so to come down too hard on Philly sports fans for being stupid is kind of like faulting a cow for having too much gas. But today’s Inquirer poll has reached a new low: “Even if the Phillies Sign Pedro, Should They Still Pursue a Trade for Roy Halladay.” Take a deep breath, sit on the floor Indian-style (or downward dog) and ponder the galactic stupidity of this question. Then when you’re done, go out on your roof deck, stand on the railing, apologize to God for what you’re about to do and think about the fact that 13.5 percent of respondents voted “no.”

After last night’s game-winning hit, Shane Victorino’s All-Star candidacy got a big boost. Like elections for local ombudspeople, however, none of this will mean anything if you don’t vote. Shane’s numbers aren’t the best of the write-in bunch but who cares. They’re good enough for me.

Today’s Inquirer poll is “Should the Phillies Trade Kyle Drabek. Yes, for a Star Like Roy Halladay. No, He Represents the Future.” Guess what folks, the future is now; there is no guarantee the Phillies will have the World Series-contending core by the time Drabek is MLB-ready but they certainly do now. To boot, we don’t know what Kyle Drabek will become but we sure as hell know what Roy Halladay is.