Readers of this site know that I am a master of Japanese poetry. Specifically, the haiku format. You might say that I am the Masaoka Shiki of sports bloggers. People frequently ask me what the secret to hokku, or haiku dominance is. In a word, or six words: it’s not a three-line sentence.

Well it seems that Inquirer writer, John Gonzalez, has noticed too. In his article today about some football game that was apparently played last night, he references my haiku about Andy Reid from a while back. Come to think of it, “references” is probably the wrong word. He steals my divine wind. In the sixth paragraph of his article, he calls Andy Reid the “poor man’s Marv Levy,” the same words penned by me in my seminal three-line tour de force of December 2009.

They say imitation in the highest form of flattery. I agree. Or should I say 停止私のものを盗んで? Sayonara, Gonzo-san.

In today’s Inquirer, Bob Ford makes one of the silliest but well-intentioned stretches in recent memory. In feeling an irrepressible urge to make way more out of the Roy Halladay signing than is actually there, Ford writes that Roy Halladay’s stated desire to be a Phillie is evidence of the fact that “the best players in baseball want to be here.”

The article seems to be about how Halladay never entertained the idea of playing anywhere else and that he chose not to go with the money, but with the team that all players want to play for. Never mind that Ford never mentions any other player who “wants” to play in Philly; it’s enough that Amaro inked Halladay for us to now know that every ballplayer has Philly in his heart.

Isn’t the manic phase of Philly’s bizarre obsession with its sports teams fun?

In case you had any illusions about the integrity and quality of The Philadelphia Inquirer, let me put them to rest. In their most recent gaffe, they miss the bus altogether. On the same day as the Flyers’ season opens (in a season, mind you, full of championship expectations), the lead story on the Inquirer’s online sports page is “Smith Shines In Scrimmage.” In case you didn’t recognize that name, you’re not alone. It’s Jason Smith, the Sixers’ power forward who missed all of last season.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. To be sure, the second-to-last day of Sixers camp is incredibly awesome, especially when you consider the prospect for excitement surrounding a team that will be lucky to make the playoffs in a league so devoid of competitive suspense that the only question in its post season is which one of three star players will get his own puppet.

Today is the first game of the Flyers’ season. With the addition of Chris Pronger and Ray Emery, folks around here are pining for a Stanley Cup. Instead of acknowledging the prospect of an exciting season for a team infinitely more competitive and, frankly, playing in a better professional league, the Inquirer and its surrogate, philly.com, run some story that’s about as interesting as listening to cricket on the radio. It’s no wonder The Inquirer is bankrupt.

There hasn’t been a lot of news surrounding Michael Vick recently so we thought we’d point out today’s story that Vick was seen drinking alcohol recently. Fannation.com is reporting that the Inquirer’s story citing Vick’s consumption of an alcoholic beverage at the Philadelphia airport does not describe an act that is in violation of his probation. That’s a huge relief to all dog owners in the Delaware Valley; it’s been widely reported that a man has been driving around Philadelphia offering jello shots to passing dogs. If in fact that is Vick, he’s doing nothing wrong.

The great part about this story originally reported by the New York Post is that it says Vick was seen “sipping on a Grey Goose and pineapple juice.” Friends at the Riverbend Bar and Grille have told me that the drink was misidentified as vodka and pineapple and was actually Goose and grapefruit which, as an offering to the god of irony, is known as a greyhound.

Despite all the disingenuous and idiotic talk last week about a 6-man rotation, what’s likely to happen to the Phillies rotation is that it will be without Jamie Moyer. Pedro Martinez appears to be ready to pitch and may even be on the mound tomorrow night in Chicago (though the Phillies still have a “TBD” listed for tomorrow’s night’s starter). I’m not sure the Phillies thought it would come to this but a spot has to be opened up for Martinez to audition for the post-season rotation and Moyer’s spot is the only one that makes sense for him to fill.

Jim Salisbury at the Inquirer seems to think this is a good idea. I suppose it’s a good idea if determining a 5th-starter for the next month and a half is really that important. The long-term impact will only be felt if Pedro manages to distinguish himself to the extent he deserves to take one of the top-4 guys’ spots in the playoff rotation. You can sit Moyer down to audition Martinez but in reality, Moyer won’t be starting in October anyway, so he’s being shut down simply to see what Pedro can do.

So I guess the point is that Moyer’s sitting in the hopes Pedro will not only supplant Jamie but surpass Happ or Blanton as well. For my part, I’d sit Cole Hamels for 10 days. Despite his bold talk about pitching well when it matters, he has done little to inspire confidence in his ability to beat Matt Cain, Adam Wainwright or Clayton Kershaw in a playoff start. Now that the serious focus is on being in playoff shape, Moyer’s benching would be little more than a human interest story. The real fine tuning needs to be at the #2 spot.

In our never ending search for the stupidest ideas in Philadelphia sports, we stumbled across this lump of shit. In fairness to Philadelphians, the major local sources of sports information are the Inquirer, the Daily News and WIP and so to come down too hard on Philly sports fans for being stupid is kind of like faulting a cow for having too much gas. But today’s Inquirer poll has reached a new low: “Even if the Phillies Sign Pedro, Should They Still Pursue a Trade for Roy Halladay.” Take a deep breath, sit on the floor Indian-style (or downward dog) and ponder the galactic stupidity of this question. Then when you’re done, go out on your roof deck, stand on the railing, apologize to God for what you’re about to do and think about the fact that 13.5 percent of respondents voted “no.”

After last night’s game-winning hit, Shane Victorino’s All-Star candidacy got a big boost. Like elections for local ombudspeople, however, none of this will mean anything if you don’t vote. Shane’s numbers aren’t the best of the write-in bunch but who cares. They’re good enough for me.

Today’s Inquirer poll is “Should the Phillies Trade Kyle Drabek. Yes, for a Star Like Roy Halladay. No, He Represents the Future.” Guess what folks, the future is now; there is no guarantee the Phillies will have the World Series-contending core by the time Drabek is MLB-ready but they certainly do now. To boot, we don’t know what Kyle Drabek will become but we sure as hell know what Roy Halladay is.

Roy Halladay is the biggest story in Philly sports today. To offer a few perspectives on a potential trade, I’m going to drop a few links on you. From Toronto, the Globe and Mail is understandably reserved and conservative about the prospect of losing Halladay, regardless of how much they get in return. If the trade does happen and you’re a Blue Jays fan, the thing to remember is that there will be a ton coming back at you and Halladay is 32, so the window for his continued success is smaller than what the prospects bring. Furthermore, for a team that needs more than a pitcher to compete, Toronto would be getting (presumably) multiple position players who would contribute 162 games per year as opposed to one dominant pitcher who’s on the field every 5 days.

Both Jim Salisbury at the Inquirer and David Murphy at the Daily News are salivating over the dreamy right-hander wearing red pinstripes. Obviously, his acquisition by the Phils would make them the team to beat in the N.L.; regardless of how ugly a Phils’ win of their division may turn out to be, Halladay’s inclusion in the starting rotation challenges the front-loaded arms of the Giants (Lincecum and Cain), the team they’d play first if the season ended today.

And Jon Heyman at si.com sees the Phillies as the most logical place for Halladay to end up. Buster Olney said the same thing this morning but I think it’s important to keep this distinction in mind, fans: at this point the Phillies are not the front-runner for Halladay (implying we know there are negotiations that favor them over other teams), rather the pundits seem to think a Halladay-Philly connection simply makes the most sense.

For my part, I feel like it’s an easy decision for the Phillies to go after Halladay while keep their talent wallet wide open during negotiations with Toronto. The most coveted pitchers in baseball with established track records are Halladay, Beckett, Sabathia, Santana, Oswalt and Lincecum. Of the bunch, Halladay is the only one whose team is willing to part with him at this point so he has to be considered the best pitcher available. For a team defending a World Series with questionable starting pitching, it’s a no-brainer. After all, the Phils are in their prime; if they gamble on Halladay and win another Series in the next 3 seasons, it will have to be considered a good deal regardless of that they will have given up.

Here are two things you can comfortably vote “yes” for. The first is Shane Victorino’s All-Star campaign. Nothing more need be said about that.

The second one is a little funny: today’s Inquirer poll as to whether the Flyers should extend Chris Pronger’s contract. Apparently 152 people voted “no,” which means they thought it was smart for the Flyers to trade Luca Sbisa, Joffrey Lupol, 2-first round picks and a conditional 3rd-round pick for Pronger’s services for one season. You’ve heard of Socrates? Plato? Aristotle? Morons.

It seems that everyone is in creaming-the-jeans mode after the Phillies’ 10-1 win last night over Tampa Bay. Eric Young says the Phillies have “nothing to worry about” on the Baseball Tonight Clubhouse. Andy Martino at the Inky said “the team instantly looked like contenders again.” As for me, I’ve already ordered a Carvel ice cream cake and extra candles.

There’s nothing like a lopsided win to reassure fans that the ship is righted. In reality, let’s give it a few days, look at 3 or 4 pitching starts and see whether the bats can stay productive. After all, the Phillies put up all 10 of their runs against David Price, who hasn’t exactly been good recently: he’s given up 15 earned runs in his last 11.1 innings pitched and hasn’t won since May 30.

While holding our horses we can still take some positives out of this game. Jamie Moyer, for one, seems to have found a pretty good rhythm. He’s now lasted at least 6 innings in his last 6 starts and only allowed more than 4 runs during that stretch once. This was the recipe for his success last year, the 6 innings, 3 runs line. If Moyer can keep the team in games and let the bullpen rest until the 7th inning, his starts should translate into wins; they’d better since the Phillies are 1-22 in games this year when they’ve scored 3 or fewer runs.

We’ll know a little more about the ressurection of the World Champs after tonight when Joe Blanton faces Matt Garza. Obviously, the Phillies like playing the Rays. And for all the talk about Yankee Stadium being the home run playground, Tropicana Field is the only park in the majors that has surrendered at least one homer every game this season, a fact that should have the offense licking its lips.